Cheerios
I kind of hate when people do this (in blog form, that is), but lately I've been rather depressed. That's a really overused and somewhat meaningless word, but I'm about to put it into more strictly defined terms that maybe people can understand. So here goes. I'm not sad. The automatic association is sadness with depression, but this isn't the case. In fact, I'd say I'm more prone right now to getting annoyed or ultimately mad over smaller things more frequently rather than, say, laying face down and crying into a pillow, then cutting my wrists in distinct little patterns that won't kill me, but leave weird scars anyway. It's just harder for me to hit and then maintain my natural high that comes so easily from a variety of sources. In general I'm more prone to good moods than bad, but right now I just feel crappy in general about life. That isn't to say that I'm feeling sorry for myself or anything (because that would be lame), but I'm just consistently bummed about everything.
The potential sources for a general bad disposition are many. I know for one thing that I'm really sick of winter. I can't stand walking to class in the frigid cold, accompanied only by a wind that is determined to shank me every step of the way. Despite all my best efforts at wearing clothing to keep out the cold, I still find at the very least that my face always gets the most brutal assault from the elements, and what with my need to see and breath, I can't just bury my face in several layers of warm clothing. It's quite a predicament. I don't suppose having to get up when it's still dark outside is any good for me either. Heck, sometimes I've already left for school and the sun isn't even up yet. I think the Earth's axis needs to get its act together and straighten the freak out so we can stop having seasonal weather. I would much prefer constant warm weather. See, during the winter it's so bloody cold outside that I basically have to stay inside just to be comfortable. Even the briefest exposure to the outdoors sends me running for the safety of the front door and subsequently the warm interior of my house.
I was, in fact, considering hell on the way to class at just before 8 this morning. I thought to myself, why fire? Why not just extreme cold for all eternity? That would be pretty miserable. Granted, I've never actually been on fire. I do however know that flames can be very intense, so I was struck by an even better idea: what if hell were actually a combination of both extreme cold and extreme heat? As the seemingly contradictory idea of flames that burned but didn't give off heat or light struck me, I reached the front door of the Russel Sage laboratory, where it was comfortably warm. I ceased with such unpleasantries and "hustled and bustled" on up two flights of stairs to room 5101, where I have IEA, and where last semester, every Wednesday from 12:00 to 2:00 I had computer science lab.
Although I sort of enjoyed computer science at the time (minus the grading and the work), I've recently come to realize that I actually didn't like it much at all, especially compared to my classes this semester. The class which really interests me is discrete structures, which is unique in that it's a class about thinking inside the box by thinking outside the box. I happened upon that paradox today in that very class, when I realized that it took an awful lot of abstract math type thinking in order to come to some basic conclusions, like proving that the sum from k=1 to n of 2k-1 was in fact equal to n squared. In fact, that's what proofs are in general; presenting a simple, mostly common sense type truth through very innovative and clever methods. I haven't yet mastered the art of thinking outside the box, and now I find myself attempting to solve problems that are once again in the box, and it's pretty confusing. Nevertheless, it is the ultimate in coolness to write proofs. People think you are a lot smarter if you can write a proof for them. It reminds me of the immense satisfaction I got from proving the quadratic formula for the bonus question on my final exam for math A/B in 9th grade, even though I didn't know how to do a majority of the regular test questions. No matter, because I got the bonus right, and it was a proof, which was a difficult concept for a 14 year old to grasp (at least a 14 year old like me).
I don't really know where I was going with that, but I also enjoy IEA (or at least the concepts at its heart; the class itself is slightly boring), because its basically an introductory mechanics class. Mechanics are pretty dang cool. For instance (however irrelevant this may be), I can calculate the forces from two cables on a ring conveniently labeled A that's holding a little block that weighs 400 lbs (okay, not so little, but you get the idea). I can solve, in terms of the angle theta, for the necessary amount of force the thrusters on a flying saucer need to put out in order to counteract the recoil force of the Death Ray Cannon, which is capable of swiveling 360 degrees. Granted, I still don't really, truly, in my heart know what an engineer does, but it is my theory that no one really knows what an engineer does. They just kind of solve problems, sort of like a glorified mathematician.
The funny thing is, I don't have the ineherent math/science mind that some people have. On the other hand, history doesn't interest me, and I find most topics related to English and literature to be extremely pretentious and hollow. I don't want to be professionally artsy, even though I think I could probably pull it off. I'm capable of learning the required material; that is, with a little coaxing I fully understand everything we cover. It just isn't something I grasp right away. I think my real talents lie elsewhere, but I still don't even know where that is. I wish I could make a career out of writing blogs, because I sure would. I would write my thoughts every single day for my whole life if someone was willing to pay me and publish it for people to read. So I'm just gonna trudge on through this process and get whatever the heck kind of degree I end up getting, so long as it interests me (which this engineering stuff does, just not necessarily as much as it could) and then figure out what to do from there.
I hate to be whiny, but I'm actually getting rather tired. I haven't gotten my required eight hours of sleep each of the past three nights. I don't care to end blogs on such lousy notes, but I feel this is simply necessary, lest i turn into a zombie and start drooling and making low-pitched groaning and moaning noises that no one really wants to hear. So...
The End
The potential sources for a general bad disposition are many. I know for one thing that I'm really sick of winter. I can't stand walking to class in the frigid cold, accompanied only by a wind that is determined to shank me every step of the way. Despite all my best efforts at wearing clothing to keep out the cold, I still find at the very least that my face always gets the most brutal assault from the elements, and what with my need to see and breath, I can't just bury my face in several layers of warm clothing. It's quite a predicament. I don't suppose having to get up when it's still dark outside is any good for me either. Heck, sometimes I've already left for school and the sun isn't even up yet. I think the Earth's axis needs to get its act together and straighten the freak out so we can stop having seasonal weather. I would much prefer constant warm weather. See, during the winter it's so bloody cold outside that I basically have to stay inside just to be comfortable. Even the briefest exposure to the outdoors sends me running for the safety of the front door and subsequently the warm interior of my house.
I was, in fact, considering hell on the way to class at just before 8 this morning. I thought to myself, why fire? Why not just extreme cold for all eternity? That would be pretty miserable. Granted, I've never actually been on fire. I do however know that flames can be very intense, so I was struck by an even better idea: what if hell were actually a combination of both extreme cold and extreme heat? As the seemingly contradictory idea of flames that burned but didn't give off heat or light struck me, I reached the front door of the Russel Sage laboratory, where it was comfortably warm. I ceased with such unpleasantries and "hustled and bustled" on up two flights of stairs to room 5101, where I have IEA, and where last semester, every Wednesday from 12:00 to 2:00 I had computer science lab.
Although I sort of enjoyed computer science at the time (minus the grading and the work), I've recently come to realize that I actually didn't like it much at all, especially compared to my classes this semester. The class which really interests me is discrete structures, which is unique in that it's a class about thinking inside the box by thinking outside the box. I happened upon that paradox today in that very class, when I realized that it took an awful lot of abstract math type thinking in order to come to some basic conclusions, like proving that the sum from k=1 to n of 2k-1 was in fact equal to n squared. In fact, that's what proofs are in general; presenting a simple, mostly common sense type truth through very innovative and clever methods. I haven't yet mastered the art of thinking outside the box, and now I find myself attempting to solve problems that are once again in the box, and it's pretty confusing. Nevertheless, it is the ultimate in coolness to write proofs. People think you are a lot smarter if you can write a proof for them. It reminds me of the immense satisfaction I got from proving the quadratic formula for the bonus question on my final exam for math A/B in 9th grade, even though I didn't know how to do a majority of the regular test questions. No matter, because I got the bonus right, and it was a proof, which was a difficult concept for a 14 year old to grasp (at least a 14 year old like me).
I don't really know where I was going with that, but I also enjoy IEA (or at least the concepts at its heart; the class itself is slightly boring), because its basically an introductory mechanics class. Mechanics are pretty dang cool. For instance (however irrelevant this may be), I can calculate the forces from two cables on a ring conveniently labeled A that's holding a little block that weighs 400 lbs (okay, not so little, but you get the idea). I can solve, in terms of the angle theta, for the necessary amount of force the thrusters on a flying saucer need to put out in order to counteract the recoil force of the Death Ray Cannon, which is capable of swiveling 360 degrees. Granted, I still don't really, truly, in my heart know what an engineer does, but it is my theory that no one really knows what an engineer does. They just kind of solve problems, sort of like a glorified mathematician.
The funny thing is, I don't have the ineherent math/science mind that some people have. On the other hand, history doesn't interest me, and I find most topics related to English and literature to be extremely pretentious and hollow. I don't want to be professionally artsy, even though I think I could probably pull it off. I'm capable of learning the required material; that is, with a little coaxing I fully understand everything we cover. It just isn't something I grasp right away. I think my real talents lie elsewhere, but I still don't even know where that is. I wish I could make a career out of writing blogs, because I sure would. I would write my thoughts every single day for my whole life if someone was willing to pay me and publish it for people to read. So I'm just gonna trudge on through this process and get whatever the heck kind of degree I end up getting, so long as it interests me (which this engineering stuff does, just not necessarily as much as it could) and then figure out what to do from there.
I hate to be whiny, but I'm actually getting rather tired. I haven't gotten my required eight hours of sleep each of the past three nights. I don't care to end blogs on such lousy notes, but I feel this is simply necessary, lest i turn into a zombie and start drooling and making low-pitched groaning and moaning noises that no one really wants to hear. So...
The End
posted by The Chris at 11:25 PM
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