It's time to blow doors down
Gosh darnit, it looks like spring may finally be upon us. Alas, this grand weather arrived exactly one week later than my own spring break, which actually witnessed sub-Arctic temperatures here in the capital region. I can't really complain, because at least it's nice out now. For the first time in many months I walked outside and got hit with RPI wind that didn't simulate getting stabbed in the face with several hundred knives made of ice and torment. I very much like this sort of weather. Unlike the fall weather, which is just about as warm but with cold, looming winter undercurrents, the pre-spring cool weather is characterized by increasing solar presence (and longer days) and a nice warm attitude. I like it.
I happened to be reading a list of incidents that took place at Disney parks, and only one of them had to do with a malfunctioning ride; some guy got killed when a Big Thunder Mountain train derailed. Aside from that, the deaths were either natural or caused by complete stupidity. I don't feel bad for people who die because they were being idiots. I do feel sorry for people who die because of other people's stupidity though, and there were certainly some of those on that list. Stupid people bug me. I need to find idiot radar so that I can stay away from them, because they ruin my life.
I think ants are probably more intelligent than we give them credit for. I bet that right now ants are conspiring to wipe out all the termites and rule the world. Of course, ants are rather short-sighted, because in order to rule the world they also have to get rid of us, not just termites. Still, I think ants hold the key to all of our problems. They are clearly the most enlightened species on the planet, and undoubtedly have mastered advanced physics that allow them to travel through space and time and space time (which is supposedly different from just plain space and just plain time put together, but I don't know anything about that), which is why, no matter what, they can get anywhere they want to. I'm sure that if ants had had the desire to, they would have gone to the moon long before we did. I'm sure they know all about the extraterrestrials (or lack thereof) that humans have been searching for for decades. Ants can even lift something like eight times their own weight. That right there is pretty boss. I don't know how they do it (I think it's sort of like hydraulics; they have an exoskeleton and their movement is controlled by fluid within their bodies, which is a sickly yellow color that gushes all over the place when you step on them), but it's basically amazing. Ants have armor that can withstand bullets (proportionally speaking, naturally) and little claws on each of their six feet that allow them to climb just about anything. They have little bent feelers atop their heads that allow them to communicate using pheromones. I wish I could emit pheromones so that I could communicate with other people by smell, rather than by sound. Imagine a vocabulary in terms of different scents. How eloquent.
You know why ants don't rule the world? Their colonies are run by women. Each ant colony has a queen. Women just aren't good at that sort of job; female ants happen to be able to lay lots of eggs, and they whine all the time, so the male ants just let them have their merry way. One day all those drones are going to get sick of it, though, and when they do there will be a revolution so swift and violent that the whole Earth will shudder. That's because ants account for about 33% of the Earth's biomass, and that is a very nice chunk. Anyway, the male ants will have an uprising, and everywhere queens will be ousted from their nests. The remaining female ants will be enslaved for the solitary purpose of breeding and cooking so that the male ants can spend time doing big important things like moving bits of dirt to form a neat little hill which some kid will probably step on and ruin. Thats okay though, because although ants are very advanced, their minds are surprisingly simple. Ants are capable of running, and that's about it. Ants almost never stop moving. They always have places to go and things to do, even though we all know that their lives are totally irrelevant. No one cares about ants, not even ants themselves. All this will change once they get rid of the queens. Democracy and capitalism will fill in the void, and ants will finally have peace and prosperity, even if they choose to continue running around forever and ever.
I'm going to become the world's first ant psychologist. I will learn how they think and harness their awesome powers, and then I'll blow this joint for some better place like Venus. That's a really cool planet. First, though, I'll take a nap.
The End
I happened to be reading a list of incidents that took place at Disney parks, and only one of them had to do with a malfunctioning ride; some guy got killed when a Big Thunder Mountain train derailed. Aside from that, the deaths were either natural or caused by complete stupidity. I don't feel bad for people who die because they were being idiots. I do feel sorry for people who die because of other people's stupidity though, and there were certainly some of those on that list. Stupid people bug me. I need to find idiot radar so that I can stay away from them, because they ruin my life.
I think ants are probably more intelligent than we give them credit for. I bet that right now ants are conspiring to wipe out all the termites and rule the world. Of course, ants are rather short-sighted, because in order to rule the world they also have to get rid of us, not just termites. Still, I think ants hold the key to all of our problems. They are clearly the most enlightened species on the planet, and undoubtedly have mastered advanced physics that allow them to travel through space and time and space time (which is supposedly different from just plain space and just plain time put together, but I don't know anything about that), which is why, no matter what, they can get anywhere they want to. I'm sure that if ants had had the desire to, they would have gone to the moon long before we did. I'm sure they know all about the extraterrestrials (or lack thereof) that humans have been searching for for decades. Ants can even lift something like eight times their own weight. That right there is pretty boss. I don't know how they do it (I think it's sort of like hydraulics; they have an exoskeleton and their movement is controlled by fluid within their bodies, which is a sickly yellow color that gushes all over the place when you step on them), but it's basically amazing. Ants have armor that can withstand bullets (proportionally speaking, naturally) and little claws on each of their six feet that allow them to climb just about anything. They have little bent feelers atop their heads that allow them to communicate using pheromones. I wish I could emit pheromones so that I could communicate with other people by smell, rather than by sound. Imagine a vocabulary in terms of different scents. How eloquent.
You know why ants don't rule the world? Their colonies are run by women. Each ant colony has a queen. Women just aren't good at that sort of job; female ants happen to be able to lay lots of eggs, and they whine all the time, so the male ants just let them have their merry way. One day all those drones are going to get sick of it, though, and when they do there will be a revolution so swift and violent that the whole Earth will shudder. That's because ants account for about 33% of the Earth's biomass, and that is a very nice chunk. Anyway, the male ants will have an uprising, and everywhere queens will be ousted from their nests. The remaining female ants will be enslaved for the solitary purpose of breeding and cooking so that the male ants can spend time doing big important things like moving bits of dirt to form a neat little hill which some kid will probably step on and ruin. Thats okay though, because although ants are very advanced, their minds are surprisingly simple. Ants are capable of running, and that's about it. Ants almost never stop moving. They always have places to go and things to do, even though we all know that their lives are totally irrelevant. No one cares about ants, not even ants themselves. All this will change once they get rid of the queens. Democracy and capitalism will fill in the void, and ants will finally have peace and prosperity, even if they choose to continue running around forever and ever.
I'm going to become the world's first ant psychologist. I will learn how they think and harness their awesome powers, and then I'll blow this joint for some better place like Venus. That's a really cool planet. First, though, I'll take a nap.
The End
posted by The Chris at 3:04 PM
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