A Monday in the Life of the Chris
I wish the weather would get nicer. Last week it was awesomely warm. Well, not awesomely warm, not like the surface of the sun, but at least it was pleasant. This week it seems we've reverted to near-absurd levels of coldness, accompanied by an additional unneeded and unwanted extra foot or so of snow. Don't get me wrong, snow can be good sometimes. It isn't good when it drowns my entire life in its white powdery coldness, and then melts and gets me all soaking wet and cold. I want to run outside, look up at the sky and scream "JUST GET WARMER ALREADY!" The trouble is, if I did that I would be taken for a loon. I guess for now I'll just have to wait for this block of the year to pass (January, February, and March, which are all ridiculously cold and dreary) before April hits me with its blasted showers, and finally May arrives, at which point I can start slacking off again because I will be out of school for three whole months.
Today is Monday. Mondays traditionally suck. I can't think of anyone who sits around on a Sunday evening saying to themselves and others around them "Oh boy! Tomorrow is Monday! I can't wait to go back to school/work/loafing around!" Actually, I could understand the latter case if a person worked all weekend and loafed during the week, but that's completely backwards and that person must obviously live in a backwards country. I can only begin to imagine what life in a backwards country must be like. Work on weekends, breaks during the week...that would leave a lot more time for relaxing, but who would ever get anything done? It is written into man's DNA code to slack off during the weekends, and also to slack off as much as possible during the week. They must eat dinner at breakfast, breakfast at dinner, and lunch at lunch (actually, eating lunch at lunch isn't too weird). They must drive on the wrong side of the road, on the opposite side of the car, and in reverse. They must have front-view mirrors in the rear of the car so they can look backwards and see forwards at the same time. They must build out of food and eat rocks. They must dive into the shallow end of the pool and put little kids in the deep end. They must sit on tables, wear shoes on their hands, knock down bowling balls with pins (note: it is physically impossible to "knock down" a spherical ball due to the nature of its shape; as such, backwards countries are obviously highly inefficient), and make salads out of tree bark. Their glasses must make their vision worse. In backwards countries, they start counting at infinity and go towards zero. They don't recycle, they eat babies, they kick lawn gnomes, they burn down houses, they shred money in paper shredders (actually, I'm told this is really fun, aside from being a hideous waste of money), they drink gasoline, they overdose on cold medicine, and they dig through garbage. Gosh, I wouldn't want to live in a backwards country. They probably sleep on spiky mattresses.
I bet herbivores die completely dissatisfied with their lives. Honestly, what sort of animal would want to go their entire life eating nothing but plants? They probably die thinking "Gee, I sure wish I had been a carnivore or an omnivore," especially when they are being eaten by a carnivore or omnivore. Take a deer, for instance. In fact, let's make that deer a male deer, just so I can use the word buck, which I am entirely too fond of. So there's this buck just chilling in the woods, eating some kind of plant, being pretty much sick of eating plants and saying "Yo, look at my cool antlers." Now, nobody pays attention to bucks, which is why they are so often in completely foul moods until they get shot by hunters who hang their heads on the wall and say "Yo, look at this buck's cool antlers," after which they are dead, but if they were still alive they would be in even fouler moods due to just having been shot. Anyway, this buck is just chilling in the woods eating plants and attempting to show off his antlers, which no one cares about, when all of the sudden a pack of ravening wolves charges out of the darkness (sorry, I failed to previously specify that these, like all woods worth mentioning, are dark and scary) and proceeds to systematically slaughter this buck. The buck, who is so caught up in hating plants and attempting to show off his antlers (which still no one cares about, especially not the ravening wolves, who are just extremely hungry), fails to realize he is being disemboweled until a split second before he dies, and upon realizing the rather shocking truth that his life will be over in a split second, he thinks "Curses! I've wasted my life being a herbivore. Why couldn't I be a carnivore like these wolves that are disemboweling me so that I could run rampant through dark and scary woods and disembowel other such arrogant bucks as myself, rather than being an ignorant, arrogant, and herbivorous buck who is the subject of disembowelings by creatures much more fortunate than I, such as these wolves who are now disemboweling me and making a fine feast out of the contents of my body?" Except bucks don't have such complicated thoughts, so it would be something more along the lines of "MOOOOOOOOOO!" and subtle despairing feelings regarding never having eaten meat. Suffice it to say, the carniverous wolves have the last laugh, because wolves are secretly telepathic and thus can read the thoughts of the buck and then translate them into wolf speak in order to get the proper translation (that is, the original train of thought in English (except they would hear it in wolf speak), not the "MOO" (which is buck speak)). Unfortunately, this would induce gut-wrenching laughter in the wolves, who would be unable to continue eating for all of the tumultuous guffaws issuing forth from their muzzles, and then a swarm of ridiculously intelligent ants would devour them alive, laughing all the way. Because of an ant's physiology, intense laughter will not stop an ant, or many ants, from devouring things. This is largely why ants are capable of devouring things without stopping, and why ants actually get the last laugh and not wolves. Even when a little kid crushes an ant hill under his foot, you can rest assured that the ants are just cracking up, laughing their heads off (figuratively; a bunch of laughing, headless ants would look so funny that termites would start laughing, and once they start they never ever stop, and their laughs are somewhere around 3,000 decibels. Fortunately, termites are not at all easily amused; their strictly business attitude about life allows them to chop through crazy amounts of wood without ever stopping), and rebuilding the hill. It is my suspicion that ant queens are just an absolute hoot. Unfortunately, humans can't understand ant jokes because they are all told through pheromones. The point is, being a (an?) herbivore is an awful fate, because ants laugh at herbivores.
Actually, here's a little known fact: ants also laugh at environmentalists. Ants think environmentalists are probably the funniest thing on the face of the Earth, and since they keep seeming to multiply (it is rumored that environmentalists reproduce by budding), ants have more and more to laugh about. As we speak, ants are ramping up their carbon dioxide production just to annoy environmentalists, because they think it is totally hilarious that environmentalists then go and blame their fellow humans when, in fact, the source of the emissions is right below their feet. Ants tend to be pro-global warming; that is, they would like it if the planet warmed up, because then they wouldn't have to worry about frigid winters. Obviously ants don't care a lick about humans aside from entertainment purposes, but then ants don't care a lick about any other species aside from entertainment purposes either, so it's not a big deal.
As it turns out, my Monday has been pretty dull. I've just been sitting here writing a blog post, not actually about my own life, but that's how the bookie bumbles. When I lead an extravagantly exciting life as a jillionaire with a laser tag place, I'll have some good material to write blogs about, like how my chauffeur thinks it's a bloody hoot to crash my brand new expensive cars into brick walls at speeds in excess of 100 mph just to watch the airbag inflate. For now, I'm just a simple college student. Which reminds me, I've seen a lot of tours here at RPI lately, and every time I see one I feel vastly superior to those taking the tour. I see a tour and I think to myself "Ha HA! I'm a college student! I'm older than you!" And it sort of goes to my head until I realize that college isn't such a big deal. It's sort of like AP High School. Actually, that's a little bit too literal, but just for the sake of applying the AP label to something I had to do it. The funny thing is, college pretty much is AP High School, because AP classes are supposedly (and this is actually a lie) college courses taken in high school. Anyway, I digress, and it's time for me to attend another AP High School class: MATH 2800, INTRODUCTION TO DISCRETE STRUCTURES! So, my piggies (pigs are omnivores, by the way; grossly superior to deer and supposedly pretty intelligent, so you can take that as a compliment), I bid you a fond farewell and a good week. Also, I'd like to make a special happy birthday wish to Aaron Crawford (his birthday is actually tomorrow, but just in case I don't lay down a new blog I'd like to have it on record). So if you see him on the street or anywhere, wish him a happy birthday. That's all for now.
The End
Today is Monday. Mondays traditionally suck. I can't think of anyone who sits around on a Sunday evening saying to themselves and others around them "Oh boy! Tomorrow is Monday! I can't wait to go back to school/work/loafing around!" Actually, I could understand the latter case if a person worked all weekend and loafed during the week, but that's completely backwards and that person must obviously live in a backwards country. I can only begin to imagine what life in a backwards country must be like. Work on weekends, breaks during the week...that would leave a lot more time for relaxing, but who would ever get anything done? It is written into man's DNA code to slack off during the weekends, and also to slack off as much as possible during the week. They must eat dinner at breakfast, breakfast at dinner, and lunch at lunch (actually, eating lunch at lunch isn't too weird). They must drive on the wrong side of the road, on the opposite side of the car, and in reverse. They must have front-view mirrors in the rear of the car so they can look backwards and see forwards at the same time. They must build out of food and eat rocks. They must dive into the shallow end of the pool and put little kids in the deep end. They must sit on tables, wear shoes on their hands, knock down bowling balls with pins (note: it is physically impossible to "knock down" a spherical ball due to the nature of its shape; as such, backwards countries are obviously highly inefficient), and make salads out of tree bark. Their glasses must make their vision worse. In backwards countries, they start counting at infinity and go towards zero. They don't recycle, they eat babies, they kick lawn gnomes, they burn down houses, they shred money in paper shredders (actually, I'm told this is really fun, aside from being a hideous waste of money), they drink gasoline, they overdose on cold medicine, and they dig through garbage. Gosh, I wouldn't want to live in a backwards country. They probably sleep on spiky mattresses.
I bet herbivores die completely dissatisfied with their lives. Honestly, what sort of animal would want to go their entire life eating nothing but plants? They probably die thinking "Gee, I sure wish I had been a carnivore or an omnivore," especially when they are being eaten by a carnivore or omnivore. Take a deer, for instance. In fact, let's make that deer a male deer, just so I can use the word buck, which I am entirely too fond of. So there's this buck just chilling in the woods, eating some kind of plant, being pretty much sick of eating plants and saying "Yo, look at my cool antlers." Now, nobody pays attention to bucks, which is why they are so often in completely foul moods until they get shot by hunters who hang their heads on the wall and say "Yo, look at this buck's cool antlers," after which they are dead, but if they were still alive they would be in even fouler moods due to just having been shot. Anyway, this buck is just chilling in the woods eating plants and attempting to show off his antlers, which no one cares about, when all of the sudden a pack of ravening wolves charges out of the darkness (sorry, I failed to previously specify that these, like all woods worth mentioning, are dark and scary) and proceeds to systematically slaughter this buck. The buck, who is so caught up in hating plants and attempting to show off his antlers (which still no one cares about, especially not the ravening wolves, who are just extremely hungry), fails to realize he is being disemboweled until a split second before he dies, and upon realizing the rather shocking truth that his life will be over in a split second, he thinks "Curses! I've wasted my life being a herbivore. Why couldn't I be a carnivore like these wolves that are disemboweling me so that I could run rampant through dark and scary woods and disembowel other such arrogant bucks as myself, rather than being an ignorant, arrogant, and herbivorous buck who is the subject of disembowelings by creatures much more fortunate than I, such as these wolves who are now disemboweling me and making a fine feast out of the contents of my body?" Except bucks don't have such complicated thoughts, so it would be something more along the lines of "MOOOOOOOOOO!" and subtle despairing feelings regarding never having eaten meat. Suffice it to say, the carniverous wolves have the last laugh, because wolves are secretly telepathic and thus can read the thoughts of the buck and then translate them into wolf speak in order to get the proper translation (that is, the original train of thought in English (except they would hear it in wolf speak), not the "MOO" (which is buck speak)). Unfortunately, this would induce gut-wrenching laughter in the wolves, who would be unable to continue eating for all of the tumultuous guffaws issuing forth from their muzzles, and then a swarm of ridiculously intelligent ants would devour them alive, laughing all the way. Because of an ant's physiology, intense laughter will not stop an ant, or many ants, from devouring things. This is largely why ants are capable of devouring things without stopping, and why ants actually get the last laugh and not wolves. Even when a little kid crushes an ant hill under his foot, you can rest assured that the ants are just cracking up, laughing their heads off (figuratively; a bunch of laughing, headless ants would look so funny that termites would start laughing, and once they start they never ever stop, and their laughs are somewhere around 3,000 decibels. Fortunately, termites are not at all easily amused; their strictly business attitude about life allows them to chop through crazy amounts of wood without ever stopping), and rebuilding the hill. It is my suspicion that ant queens are just an absolute hoot. Unfortunately, humans can't understand ant jokes because they are all told through pheromones. The point is, being a (an?) herbivore is an awful fate, because ants laugh at herbivores.
Actually, here's a little known fact: ants also laugh at environmentalists. Ants think environmentalists are probably the funniest thing on the face of the Earth, and since they keep seeming to multiply (it is rumored that environmentalists reproduce by budding), ants have more and more to laugh about. As we speak, ants are ramping up their carbon dioxide production just to annoy environmentalists, because they think it is totally hilarious that environmentalists then go and blame their fellow humans when, in fact, the source of the emissions is right below their feet. Ants tend to be pro-global warming; that is, they would like it if the planet warmed up, because then they wouldn't have to worry about frigid winters. Obviously ants don't care a lick about humans aside from entertainment purposes, but then ants don't care a lick about any other species aside from entertainment purposes either, so it's not a big deal.
As it turns out, my Monday has been pretty dull. I've just been sitting here writing a blog post, not actually about my own life, but that's how the bookie bumbles. When I lead an extravagantly exciting life as a jillionaire with a laser tag place, I'll have some good material to write blogs about, like how my chauffeur thinks it's a bloody hoot to crash my brand new expensive cars into brick walls at speeds in excess of 100 mph just to watch the airbag inflate. For now, I'm just a simple college student. Which reminds me, I've seen a lot of tours here at RPI lately, and every time I see one I feel vastly superior to those taking the tour. I see a tour and I think to myself "Ha HA! I'm a college student! I'm older than you!" And it sort of goes to my head until I realize that college isn't such a big deal. It's sort of like AP High School. Actually, that's a little bit too literal, but just for the sake of applying the AP label to something I had to do it. The funny thing is, college pretty much is AP High School, because AP classes are supposedly (and this is actually a lie) college courses taken in high school. Anyway, I digress, and it's time for me to attend another AP High School class: MATH 2800, INTRODUCTION TO DISCRETE STRUCTURES! So, my piggies (pigs are omnivores, by the way; grossly superior to deer and supposedly pretty intelligent, so you can take that as a compliment), I bid you a fond farewell and a good week. Also, I'd like to make a special happy birthday wish to Aaron Crawford (his birthday is actually tomorrow, but just in case I don't lay down a new blog I'd like to have it on record). So if you see him on the street or anywhere, wish him a happy birthday. That's all for now.
The End
posted by The Chris at 11:57 AM
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