Welcome to Introductory Economics!

Right now, 2:04 post meridian, April the 5th in the year of our Lord two thousand seven, I am in economics. We haven't yet started, but I'm here regardless. I don't plan on paying attention. In fact, I never pay attention. There's no point in paying attention. The only thing I've ever learned from paying attention dealt only with Tom and Susan and their absurd desert island situation involving coffee beans and nuts. It looks like we're starting the macroeconomics part of this class, thanks to the big Power Point slide in front of me that boldly proclaims

Macroeconomics:
The Bird's-Eye View
of the Economy

I'll tell ya, that sound just absolutely enthralling. I can't even begin to imagine why I registered for managerial economics next semester. I'm either masochistic or I need to fulfill my humanites/social sciences requirement. Yes, that beastly requirement, the straw-grasping attempt of a tech school to sort of get students to have a taste of the "liberal arts" that other schools insist on flaunting as the greatest thing since sliced white break. Strike that; actually, a liberal arts program is the second greatest thing since sliced white bread, second in fact to:

STUDYING ABROAD!

Studying abroad is all the freaking rage these days. I don't know what the big deal is. I don't see any great benefit to going to some other, inferior country to attend some other, inferior school and become culturally enlightened. I don't give a flying friend about other cultures. If they were as good as mine (I'm perfectly cultured, you know), then they wouldn't be other cultures, because they would be mine. I have only the best culture. Take that, study abroaders. I hope you feel really insecure about your own culture, so much so that you have to go to another country. Your life is miserable. I hate to be elitist, but in reality it's the only way to be. Wait, no, clearly I don't hate to be elitist. I embrace it. Elitists unite.

Say, in a world full of elitists, wouldn't there be a breakdown at some point? I mean, eventually people would become so elitist that they would be completely elite, and every one person's individuality

Sorry, I have to interrupt that thought. Tooly McToolerson just opened his mouth and burst forth with a completely pointless question regarding a graph of the output of the U.S. economy from 1900-2004, about whether or not the economy has "tapered off" (who says that? Tools, that's who) in the past three years because of decreasing oil markets...blah blah blah. Must pretentious idiots raise their hands and speak in class? The answer is yes, they must, lest their pretentious facade be completely foiled by the idea of fully understanding a concept without asking inane questions/not attempting to make themselves look superior to the professor.

would make them completely elite; that is, no other person in the world could be a part of their elite individuality. I bet we would have a lot more wars. In fact, I bet every person in the world would then form their own country, and we would be launched into political chaos until the end of time. On a positive note, wars would be a lot smaller scale, say 1 vs. 1, and could conclude in a matter of minutes rather than years. I move for everyone to be a perfect elitist.

I'm not a huge fan of nearsightedness. Being very slightly nearsighted, I find it an extraordinary pain in the buttocks to have to wear glasses to read stuff off a board. Fortunately, I can sit in the far back of the room and be completely unaffected by the gaping distance between myself and the written notes of the professor. I guess that's pretty convenient. I can't imagine being visually impaired any further. I bet it's tedious as all get out. On the other hand, people with bad enough vision just wear contact lenses all the time (some of them, anyway; there still are a number of faithful glasses-wearers out there), which isn't a whole lot different from a straight up eyeball as far as I can tell, though I don't find the prospect of sticking those things to my eyes very appealing. Still, I would love to wear contacts because it would give me a great excuse to buy special ones that turned my bland brown colored eyes into reddish-yellow Sith eyes. Those are really cool eyes. People would most likely fear me if I had eyes like that.

To be honest, I don't think I would want to be a Greek god. They're basically just like AP humans, or super heroes. Being a god among a bunch of other gods that are basically just as cool as you are must be pretty lame. In fact, there are some Greek gods who really got the raw deal. Who the freak would want to be Hades? What the heck good would being the god of the underworld be? That would absolutely suck. I bet a lot of Greek gods and goddesses, or to be politically correct, "deitypersons," resented Zeus for being the cool cat that he was. Heck, the man had thunderbolts. Thunderbolts are physically freaking impossible, but he had them anyway. How crazy awesome is that? No doubt, Zeus was probably the most hated figure in all of existence because of his thunderbolts. Actually, Pikachu was also capable of an attack called "thunderbolt," which was more powerful than thundershock, although inferior to the awesome might of thunder, the ultimate electric attack in the original Pokemon series. Lorelei cried if you used thunder on her stupid Pokemon. Freaking Dewgong. I hate Dewgong. And Cloyster. I freaking hate Cloyster. Cloyster looks like a shell with a Gastly head inside of it. What a stupid Pokemon.

Alas, it's only 2:30 now, so this class could drag on for another hour or more. I sure hope it ends soon. I wonder how many people are actually paying attention. I know at least Tooly McToolerson is. He lives for economics. He's on crutches now, and I think I know the reason. You see, last Thursday we had a tragic incident on campus (that is to say, some alumnus committed suicide), and all classes were cancelled. Among those classes cancelled was our economics class, during which we were supposed to have a test. My theory is that upon learning of the cancellation of the test on Thursday, Tooly attempted to take his own life by jumping from the roof of BARH, but it wasn't high enough, so he only injured his leg. I think he has regained sanity since then, mainly because we had the economics test the following Monday. It's a good thing, because I doubt RPI could have handled two suicides in one day. What a mess that would have been.

Well folks, I'm off to write a musical score for my life. It sorely needs one. Heck, I'm a super hero, a genius, and a significant member of the human race. I matter. Lots of people, most people in fact, are completely irrelevant, but I am proudly one of the few who actually mean something. I can't wait to join the Pantheon of Relevant Existences, although I have to wait at least five years after I die to get in. Anyway, have fun enjoying pleasant thoughts, especially ones in which I play a large part. If I'm not making you happy, then I'm not doing my job, even though I really have little control over how happy you are. So freaking be happy, and be happy because of me.

The End